"Sublime Adventures in Buffoonery": February 2009

One dude I would never mess with is Jack Bauer. I can't imagine anything more frightening than dating Jack Bauer's daughter. I know Dion Phaneuf is a tough guy and everything, but his steely gaze is no match for the death glare Jack Bauer throws down as often as most of us smile. Even one of the toughest defenseman in the NHL is a mouse when compared to the last man standing between the terrorists and the complete and utter destruction of Western Civilization as we know it.

Wait, Jack Bauer is a fictional character in a show called '24' you say, his real identity is legendary drunk Kiefer Sutherland you say, and he is in fact Canadian. I'm not buying it for a second, that's just his cover, and all the drinking is to drown away the pain of lost loved ones, as well as all those innocents he had to sacrifice in the name of Uncle Sam.

As the American right does their best to convince the new leader of the free world, B-Rock, that the Geneva Conventions are in fact "quaint," they have referenced the brave service of Jack Bauer as an example of a doomsday scenario where the clock is ticking, and the only way to get the information that will save American lives is to torture anyone, including terrorists, citizens, co-workers, friends, and family.

Torture as they say, is no picnic, but the last administration and their right-wing leftovers seem to be quite fond of it. And the use of a contrived, fictional television series to justify tangible action in the real world is perfectly acceptable to them.

The format of '24' blurs the line between simulation and reality. By running in 'real time,' even through commercials (complete with preceding cliffhangers), the show interpellates the audience into its paranoid, fear-filled hyperreality.

Within this hyperreality, Jack Bauer performs intertextual acts of 'patriotism' by not only killing all the bad guys and saving countless American lives, but also by mediating his viewers' relationship with torture. By simulating the worst conceivable doomsday scenario (season after season amazingly), '24' allows the audience to decide how they feel about torture under the softening light of simulation.

The concept of torture on '24' is run through what Baudrillard refers to as the 'Precession of Simulacra,' where you begin with the real, actual, nails-pulled-out torture. This really real torture is then manipulated by the television medium and the show itself, but at the same time this manipulation is masked. The end result is that on television the torture appears real, the audience has been interpellated into the show so they suspend disbelief willfully and believe it is at least equivalent to, if not actually real, when it is in fact very much hyperreal.

This dynamic softens the horrible, inhuman reality of torture, and frames the debate over its use in a completely absurd way. By watching '24's hyperreality unfold, one cannot help but support Bauer's unique brand of vigilantism. Jack Bauer is not a sociopath; he's an altruist who has sacrificed his entire being for God and Country. But again, '24' is not reality, and reality is certainly nothing like '24'; the acceptance by an audience of simulated realities that involve the use of torture to obtain information propels the audience down a slippery ethical slope. Allowing Jack Bauer, or any other fictional character, to dictate our moral compass, is the equivalent of driving eyes-closed while someone else sits shotgun and tells us which direction to steer.

A-Roid's (formerly known as Pay-Rod) latest litany of omissions, half-truths, and flat out lies in regards to his performance enhancing drug (PED) use are in the process of being systematically torn apart by intrepid journalists.

The same group of intrepid journalists who covered baseball while its top players were engaging in the 20 year (approx.) statistical aberration known as the 'Steroid Era', are the same group who are trying to compensate for the shameful neglect of their responsibilities by now half-heartedly going after, but full-heartedly expressing their disgust with both the accused and the guilty.

Baseball journalists are held to a higher standard than their peers who cover other sports, because baseball journalists are the ones who vote to decide who is allowed into the Hall of Fame. Cooperstown is the foundation of baseballs mythology, and baseball journos are its gatekeepers. Accountability has become a major issue for these guys, since it appears one of the most realistic and reliable voices of the 'Steroid era' is Jose Canseco, the biggest villain in baseball since Pete Rose.

But the disgraceful treatment of the PED epidemic in baseball by its gatekeepers speaks to a larger problem. That overt PED use was tacitly ignored by the media is representative of the lack of caring about PED use exhibited by the public at large. It is the dirty little secret thinly veiled in professional football: that PED use is part of sports, and that owners, sponsors and fans don't want to condone their use, but they love the improved performance they provide.

The mythology of professional sports as the athletic ideal, the ultimate celebration of body mastery and physicality, is now going the way of the mythology that used to surround professional wrestling. There are virtuous heroes and depraved villains engaging in ongoing story lines that overshadow the events themselves. What's next? Folding chairs in bench-clearing brawls, catchers throwing salt into the eyes of batters, scantily clad women accompanying batters to the box, a belt for the MVP, none of these would surprise me.

Baseball is still based on individual achievement for the betterment of team, but the teams have changed, now the players and agents are on one team, the cap the player wears is just to block out the sun. The veil is off, the game is now just another cultural industry, one that promotes base values like unhealthy competition, greed, and the lust for fame.

Baseball is a game whose popularity is largely based in the legends, myths, and symbols that are a part of its history. The statistical achievements of, and comparison between, the games' greatest players, are essential symbols to the games legend; they are the part of the game that make fans feel like they're part of something bigger than the individual game (1 of 162 for each team each season). The records are revered, and none more so than the home run record. When Barry Bonds stole the record from Hank Aaron a couple of years ago, it was quickly dismissed since the game's golden boy; the highest-paid, highest-profile, and statistically most promising player, Alex Rodriguez, was going to inevitably break Barroids' record and restore the legitimacy, notoriety, and grandeur to the most hallowed record in sports.

Now for the next decade at least, we all get to watch A-Roid, the highest paid athlete in the history of team sports, admitted cheater, and pants-on-fire liar, line-drive nails into the coffin of Major League Baseball. Every hit, every home run, inches both himself, and baseball as a whole, towards disgraceful infamy. Because when the two most statistically accomplished players in the long history of the game are PED users, the entire foundation of baseball's history and mythology is covered by the shroud of the "Steroid Era."

By the way, those who say PED's fit under the old baseball adage that "if you're not cheating you're not trying" are undermining the very mythology and legend of the game, disgracing the traditions of spitballs, pinetar, stealing signs, and all the other in-game advantages that give baseball its unique character.

When baseball historians re-examine the "Steroid Era" of baseball, they should note that it not so coincidentally coincides with the "Absolutely ridiculous contracts for grown men to hit, catch, and throw a ball" era. Contracts in baseball are higher than in any sport, and though the economic downturn has caused marginal players to take paycuts, contracts for top-tier players continue to rise astronomically, so what message does that send to marginal (or even worse, aspiring) baseball players?

The mythology of sport ideals has been lost, now it is apparent that in sports, much like life, the rich get richer, the poor try to get by, cheating does prosper, and good guys may not finish last, but they certainly don't finish first. Today winning isn't nearly as important as that next contract; the game is only a game to the fans, for everyone else it is a cut-throat industry, a paycheque.

This is not exactly breaking news, but what is interesting is that no one really cares. Perhaps this is because the initial shock of hearing that baseball superstar after baseball superstar is chemically enhanced has worn off. But I think it's because baseball isn't exempt from the harsh realities of life, fans realize the idealized myths associated with "the old ball game," and with sports in general are beyond antiquated, they only exist as legend to get butts into seats and to generate revenue.

And so why shouldn't A-Roid get his piece, if government, business, friends, and family don't need to be accountable for their actions why should he? If politicians can spin the most asinine lies into seeming truth, why should he answer follow up questions at his "coming clean" press conference? If executives from failing companies get to keep their bonuses, why shouldn't he get to keep his bonuses for cheating to break baseball's records? In a sense, A-Roid is a prophet, the ultimate athletic icon for our times, since his myopic quest for fame and riches have overshadowed any and all of his athletic achievements.

A-Roid is not alone though, baseball players, and more and more professional athletes, care less and less for the game itself, it is simply the best way to earn a massive paycheque given their skill set. And that may be A-Roids ultimate legacy to the game, that the game itself really doesn't matter anymore. Every one of his at-bats for the next decade-plus will act as reminders that the innocence, and idealism of baseball, with it's "peanuts and crackerjacks" simply does not exist.

My All-PED Team:

Leading off...

Rotation: